Am I too honest?

I hate when you try to discuss something with a friend or your spouse and you can tell they are taking it like a lecture. I have decided in the last few months to not hold things in. I have lots of people tell me that they really admire my honesty and realized that I had been holding myself back a bit. I was glad to know that people respect that about me and thought I'd kick it back up to high gear.
I don't mean to sound judgmental or bitchy. I don't want to criticize or put anyone down. I do not think I am perfect or anywhere close to it. All I know is when I mask my thoughts or emotions for even a few days it ends up coming out in ways I do not admire in myself.
However, sometimes when I speak my mind (in a civilized way) I feel like the recipient feels scolded. That is not my intention. Sometimes I think it is because they feel guilty or unhappy with the behavior I called them out on and in those cases I don't blame myself. But the times when I think I may have hurt someone by being too rash or open about things, I do feel remorseful.
Any advice on how I can be more tactful without having to repress my feelings?

Old friends

I have recently started talking to an old friend on a much more regular basis. She was my BFF from 10th grade until about 21. She started law school and I met Jason and so we kinda drifted apart. We would always talk every year or so and tried to make it to each others birthday happy hours, but mostly lost touch. When we would see or talk to each other it was like no time had passed. I love when that happens.
Over the past couple months we have been talking and emailing at least weekly. We did a happy hour and are hanging out again this Friday. I am very lucky to have some amazing close friends, but it has been so nice to rekindle this relationship. I hope we keep it up because she was always very loyal and fun and easy to be around. And there has been a lot of crazy surrounding some of my friends as of late and it is nice to be able to relax and enjoy the company.
As you get older and life gets busier and busier you realize you don't have much time to dedicate to friends. So my philosophy is that when you do have that time you shouldn't waste it on anyone that you don't totally enjoy being around. That list is getting shorter and shorter as the days pass. I am happy to be able to add someone to that list that I wish had never been removed. Welcome back to the inner circle, Heli!!

The Voice

I have been reading a book I saw on Oprah called, "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. It is mostly geared toward compulsive eaters, which I do not classify myself, but there is a lot of really insightful info about our relationship with ourselves and with food that I have found useful and interesting.
I just finished reading a chapter about "The Voice". This is the voice inside our heads that we all have. The author says it is developed by the age of 4. It comes from all the feedback (positive or negative) we get from our parents, family, teachers, etc. over the course of our lives. It is the thing that tells us "you shouldn't have said that", "you shouldn't have worn that", "you shouldn't do that".
What I found so interesting about the concept in the book is that the author says we believe this voice is our reasoning and so it is telling us the truth. But, in actuality it is just the years of self doubt we have created based on what we think other people believe about us. She says that if we tell the voice to "Fuck off!" or "Go have a few margaritas and then tell me what you think!" and basically start treating it as an enemy, we will figure out what we really think about ourselves. And more importantly what we really feel in our bodies.
If the voice is telling you that you are fat. Ignore the voice. Then if your belly tells you that your pants are too tight, decide if you want to do something about that. But don't base your assessment of being fat on the voice in your head. Because that voice is gonna tell you that you are fat even when you aren't. (Right, like it told me I was when I weighed 135 lbs.)
But it doesn't have to be about weight. Say you hate your job. The voice tells you that you are miserable because "you didn't go to college" or "you chose the wrong major". Well, shut up voice. Is there another job you want? Do you have to go to school for it? Is the voice saying, "Go to school? You are too old to go back to school!" Well, tell the voice to shove it. If by ignoring the voice you discover you really don't hate your job all that much, stay put. Or go to school. Or take a vacation.
Anyway, I thought it was an interesting concept and am going to try hard to ignore the voice in my head. It is not part of me, it is fighting me.

No, really, it's not you

I know that people use the line "It's not you, it's me" all too often as an excuse to ending a relationship or just avoiding making someone feel bad. But, honestly sometimes it is the truth. Sometimes you can be facing something (feeling something) that has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself and what is going on in your own head.

Now this doesn't mean that the people closest to you may not feel the repercussions of your mood, but it also doesn't mean there is really anything they can do to fix it. And occasionally the attempt to try to fix it just makes it worse. I am guilty of asking the question, "Are you okay?" all too often. When I notice a friend or loved one seeming not quite themselves, I naturally want to try to help them out of their funk. I forget that most of the time when I am in their shoes there is nothing anyone else can do to make it better and in most circumstances I don't want them to try.

It is a very sad Catch 22 that when you are feeling low or distant, the ones closest to you imagine they are the problem and therefore can be part of the solution. But sometimes, this time, I can securely state, it's not you, it's me (and maybe a few others too, but definitely not you).

I have been forced (albeit usually by my own hand) to take on the responsibility of other peoples issues and problems. I have had to put aside my desires and needs for the sake of the greater good. It is a difficult task to change this logic and start focusing on myself. Maybe I have tried before and stopped because it is harder to deal with your own mess. As I attempt to close the door on the outside and hone in on myself, I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable. I needed to type that again. It's a scary feeling for me and one I am not used to. Strength has always been a quality in myself that I am proud of, but what if I was only strong because I was putting up barriers instead of actually dealing with the facts?

Now, when I feel even more obligated to be the strong one, the fixer, Switzerland is the time I decide to let go and have faith that "the others" will take care of themselves? Bad timing, but I am getting the overwhelming feeling that if I don't do it now, RIGHT NOW, I may not ever have the chance again.

People tell me all the time that I should have become a counselor. Well, people, I didn't. And unless you want to pay me to help fix you, I am gonna have to let you handle it for yourself. I can't put into words how much I would regret losing things that are so important to me just because I didn't have the strength to pay attention to my own needs. Sorry, but my office is closed. I have my own life, job, husband, child that do need me and I want to give to them. Stop taking my attention and energy away from the things I do have the ability and desire to make work/be happy/thrive. I don't know who I am writing this to (maybe just the voice inside my own head), but I am done with you and your negativity and selfishness and am beginning a new chapter in life. I am calling it, "It's Me."

Sweet little kitty

I was out front of my building this morning reading my book and having a smoke break. A fellow smoker from the chiropractor's office upstairs was out too. We kept hearing this tiny kitten meow and decided we weren't crazy if we could both hear it and we should investigate.

We searched the bushes the ditch the tree and finally narrowed the search to a Nissan Pathfinder parked in the lot. Yep, the kitten had crawled up under the car and trapped itself in the exhaust system. I have a dress on and she wears scrubs, so naturally she was the choice for crawling under the vehicle.

She was able to get it out. And you would think it was so scared that it would have freaked out, but it was the cutest, calmest little thing. Obviously not feral, nice fur, no fleas, full belly. It was totally unharmed, but a little dirty and very stressed. It was shaking. Not sure if it was a boy or girl, we decided after the trauma it had already been through it was not necessary to explore that question. It was grey and white with blue eyes. I am guessing somewhere between 5 and 8 weeks old.

I held it for a bit and she asked if I wanted to take it home. YES, but sadly no because my 85 lb. Labrador retriever and 5 1/2 year old son are not in need of a tiny kitten. But I am gonna go visit again before it leaves the building. The lady that got it out is going to take it home and it makes me happy knowing it will be loved. Hopefully this helps my karma since I killed a cat earlier this year by running it over. Win some, lose some, I guess.

I hope she names it Pathfinder or Nissan or something that captures the event.

Add a little update

So last week I posted about Dylan developing some "only child" tendencies. I wanted to add this little tidbit to that logic cause it is too cute not to share.

I asked him, "So, after spending all that time with Kennedy and Helton, are you sure you still want a baby brother or sister?"

Dylan, "No."

"I want both."

Awwww!!! They are super cute and sweet and good, but I was not expecting that answer.

Just call us The Incredibles

Dylan has developed this idea that he has "super power" eyesight. I think it is because he will notice things in the car that are far away and one of us will say, "Wow, Buster you sure can see well!" So over the past six months or so he has mentioned on multiple occasions that he has Super Power Eyes.
I have been stricken with the unfortunate fate of having "super power" smell. While this is great when it comes to cakes baking or fresh flowers, it is not so good when it comes to cat pee or gasoline. And to think they say smoking kills your taste buds and smell ability. Imagine if I didn't smoke!
Dylan knows about my special smell talent. The other day we are driving to school and he says, "Mommy, you know how you have super power smell and I have super power eyes?" YES. "Well, Daddy has super power farts."
I seriously almost had to pull the car over cause I could barely see from laughing and tearing up.
We got home that night and told Jason the story. He said, "So super power smell marries super power farts, guess we know who got the short end of that stick."

Only child syndrome

So I never really believe people when they talk about only children being selfish or difficult or whatever fill-in-the-blank negative word. I mostly consider myself an only child since I didn't meet my stepbrother until I was seven and he only lived with us full time for a few years when we were teenagers. I like to consider myself a pretty generous person and I get along well with others, so no only child issues here. (Although I obviously do think highly of myself!)

Dylan is going on six now and anyone who knows him well would agree that he is a very well behaved child. He is kind and sweet, funny and outgoing, happy and easy going. He is all those things about 98%. The only time we ever really have behavior problems is when he is over tired or just generally being too "boy". Rough and wild, you know.

This weekend we were at the lake with Jason's side of the family. Our niece, Kennedy is three and a half and our nephew, Helton, turned one while we were there. Kennedy and Dylan were inseparable, to say the least. The first words out of her mouth every morning were, "Where's Dylan?". He was very good with her and Helton and mostly acted the role of big brother to them both without any resistance.

However, at least once a day he got ornery. He needed a break. He wanted more attention. He acted out. My mother-in-law found a feather and gave it to them to look at while we were on a boat ride. Kennedy held it for five minutes and then Dylan wanted a turn. She wanted it back and I told him it was her turn. She had continually asked him not to throw the feather out of the boat and I kept reassuring her that was not going to happen. Guess what? It did. He just stuck it right over the edge and let go. She flipped out. But then, like 3 year-olds do, got over it in about three minutes. Then, Dylan flipped out. He was upset with himself. I don't think he understood why he wanted to upset her. It took much longer for him to get over it.

Needless to say, I started seeing some of the "only child syndrome" showing through. I am not worried about it as I am sure he will have a better understanding of the right behavior in just a few years. Mostly you could just tell he was not used to any other kids stealing his thunder.

My heart melted a few times when he really proved what a good big brother he could be, saying "Great job!" to her when she would kick the ball 10 feet or wanting to hold Helton even though he only outweighs him by about 10 lbs.

Either way he is a good kid and I am very proud to be his mom, only child rebel or not.